Humorous Titbits

Should we upgrade to I-Deas 8?

What do you think of the new SGI logo?

The great UNIX v NT debate

• A unix system is like an orgasm. When you have one, you'll know it.
• Unix isn't so much an operating system as it is a painstakingly compiled oral history of the hacker culture.
• Microsoft admits that there's a point of scale where Unix is cheaper than NT, i.e the point at which you need a computer!
• Give me 110 % CPU power Scotty !!
  Aye captain, but at that rate she'll dump core any minute.
• Yes Brother, step out from the dark side and into the light. You have shown great skill and courage to resist for so long but really your quest is futile.
• Two computer people discussing those old stories about Bill Gates' name adding up to 666 in ASCII:
  "I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a Satanic message!"
  "That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!"
• "Bill Gates became the richest man on earth because he gets $0.01 every time you press ctr-alt-del"
• "I am the PENTIUM OF BORG - You will be APPROXIMATED!"

•  /*
        TOP SECRET Microsoft? Code
        /*Project: NT5(tm)*/
        Project: Win2000(tm)
        Projected release-date: Summer 19100
        Original version date : Aug 1984
   */
   #include "win31.h"
   #include "win95.h"
   #include "win98.h"
   #include "winNT.h"
   #include "evenmore.h"
   #include "oldstuff.h"
   #include "billrulz.h"
   #define INSTALL = HARD
   char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
   void main()
   {
        while(!CRASHED)
        {
             display_copyright_message();
             display_bill_rules_message();
             do_nothing_loop();
             if (first_time_installation)
             {
                  make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
                  do_nothing_loop();
                  totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
                  search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
                  hang_system();
             }
             write_something(anything);
             display_copyright_message();
             do_nothing_loop();
             do_some_stuff();
             if (still_not_crashed)
             {
                  display_copyright_message();
                  do_nothing_loop();
                  basically_run_windows_3.1();
                  do_nothing_loop();
                  do_nothing_loop();
             }
        }
        if (detect_cache())
             disable_cache();
        if (fast_cpu())
        {
             set_wait_states(lots);
             set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
             set_mouse(action, jumpy);
             set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
        }
        /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
        /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
        /* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
        printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");
        if (system_ok())
             crash(to_dos_prompt);
        else
             system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
        while(something)
        {
             sleep(5);
             get_user_input();
             sleep(5);
             act_on_user_input();
             sleep(5);
        }
        create_general_protection_fault();
   }
  

Famous Quotes:

• By Michel Debré in the French parliament in 1958 when he spoke in favour of the return of de Gaulle:

  Nous sommes au bord du gouffre, il faut faire un pas en avant !!

  or (approximately) in a proper language:-

  We are on the brink of the abyss, we must take a step forward.

• NOTICE TO ALL CAMPERS AND HIKERS:
  

  Tourists in Alaska are advised to wear tiny
  bells on their clothing when hiking in bear
  country. The bells warn away most bears.
  Tourists are also cautioned to watch the
  ground along the trail, paying particular
  attention to bear drippings, in order to be
  forewarned of the presence of grizzly bears.
  One can identify a grizzly dropping because
  it has tiny bells in it.

• If you need a legal opinion, hire a solicitor.
  If you need a definitive legal opinion, buy a judge.
• If builders made buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
• When your back is to the wall the only thing to do is to turn and fight!

• At age 4 ... success is ... not peeing in your pants.

  At age 12 ... success is ... having friends.

  At age 15 ... success is ... having a driver's license.

  At age 20 ... success is ... having sex.

  At age 35 ... success is ... having money.

  At age 50 ... success is ... having money.

  At age 60 ... success is ... having sex.

  At age 70 ... success is ... having a driver's license.

  At age 75 ... success is ... having friends.

  At age 80 ... success is ... not peeing in your pants.

• The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
  - - - Josh Billings
• A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him.
  - - - Nicholas Boileau
• The gods do not protect fools. Fools are protected by more capable fools.
  - - - Larry Niven
• Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
• Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
• The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.
• Americans always try to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else.
  - - - Winston Churchill
• The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.
  - - - Clifton Fadiman
• This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
  - - - Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
  - - - Groucho Marx
• Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
  - - - -Moses Hadas

---

Number Humour:

• Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, what they conceal is vital.
  - - - -Aaron Levenstein
• Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
  - - - -Goethe
• Statistics - a lot of numbers looking for an argument.
  - - - -W. Kilbride
• He uses statistics as a drunk uses a street lamp, for support rather than illumination.
  - - - -Andrew Lang
• It weighed less than average but it must be remembered that the average was higher than usual.
  - - - -Radio Programme
• The overwhelming number of people have more than the average number of legs.
  - - - -E. Grebenik
• We look forward to the day when everyone will receive more than the average wage.
  - - - -Australian Minister of Labour

---

Back to my homepage
Humorous Titbits / neil@rothers.co.uk / revised 25th June 2001